Back before I fell pregnant the first time with Laylah I was always a pretty happy person. I would often think how lucky and how happy I was with the life we (me and hubby) had created. Then from the second I lost my child I truly felt numb and lifeless, as you would expect. But I honestly never thought I would be happy again, how could I possibly ever smile when all that consumes my thoughts and being is the longing for my daughter and constant reminder of what could and should have been. I didn’t enjoy things and I was just going through the motions, doing what I had to do to keep moving. It wasn’t until this particular day in the car with the sun beaming down on my face, sunglasses on and singing at the top of my lungs to Isabella that I realised that what I was feeling was happiness. That in itself made me cry, I cried because it had been so long since I had that feeling and it had made me recognise just how much grief and sadness were a huge part of even the good moments in life like having Isabella.  I cried because I had my daughter here with me and she is healthy and just so precious yet I still had moments where I felt so sad and down. Then I cried because I felt like it was in some way another step further away from Laylah. That somehow smiling or being happy wasn’t showing her that I missed her or still thought about her. For some crazy reason I had in my head that my sadness and tears were a measure of my love for her and that it made me closer to her.

I now know that being truly happy doesn’t mean loving or missing Laylah any less, it just means I see her in all the good things. This non specific Thursday was the start of my next chapter, seeing life a little bit brighter and allowing myself to have not only my sad days but also my happy days. They are all part of what makes me me and what makes me the Mum I am to both my girls here and in heaven.

I lost her first words

I lost sleepless nights

I lost mummy snuggles

I lost hearing her laugh

I lost her first steps

I lost her 1st birthday

I lost all birthdays

I lost her first day of kinder

I lost teaching her to ride a bike

I lost Christmases

I lost her first dance concert

I lost first day of school

I lost graduating school

I lost my 16/18/21 year old daughter

I lost broken hearts

I lost her falling in love

I lost boy talk

I lost girly talks

I lost her wedding day

I lost seeing her become a Mum

I lost the love of my life

Now when I look at your little sister I see you, I see you in her eyes, in her spirit and the way she loves me. You have sent her to me to help heal my heart and for that I thank you my darling girl because she is so precious and I love her beyond words.  But please don’t think for one minute that I have forgotten or somehow love you any less, in fact it’s probably the opposite. You are my first born, my first love as a Mother and I carry you with me in my heart every minute of every day. I talk to you, I think of you and I long for you and all the moments we were meant to have.  I catch myself day dreaming about how you would be, what milestones you would have achieved and how different life would be with you by my side.  I thank you Laylah Grace because loosing you has made me wake up and start to appreciate the small things, the little moments that I may have otherwise missed out on in life and as a Mother.

The constant ache in the pit of my stomach that stops me from completely setting up the nursery or procrastinating packing my hospital bag or even bringing myself to blog about my pregnancy (until today) are mini roadblocks I’ve set for myself. The thought that I could have to pull apart another nursery or unpack another unused baby bag or worse yet live through another loss makes all the usual pregnancy joys scary and nerve racking and stops me in my tracks.

I normally don’t like to wish time away as I find the older I’m getting the quicker time is going and I try to enjoy the small things as they happen. But if I could fast forward the next few weeks and have my baby safe, healthy and alive in my arms I would. I feel like I’m holding my breath just waiting for each day to pass knowing that each time I go to bed I’m a day closer to holding my child. Living scared every day makes for a very long nine months and an even longer final couple of weeks.

Every good party has a theme so why should yours be any different? We nicknamed you Apples because while you were in mummies tummy that’s all you wanted to eat. I ordered you an apple sign and bunting that goes on your dessert stand and got custom made apple cookies with your name on them. Then as promised I will make your birthday cake, a white chocolate mud cake with pink buttercream frosting topped with flowers and your name.

Your day is going to be far from how it should have been my baby with you here being spoilt. But I promise, you will still be the center of attention, you will have your family and friends celebrating and thinking of you, Dad and I will come visit you at the beach and my darling girl you will have CAKE!

Never did I think that as I walk through my life day to day would I wear the Supermum suit under my clothes. To the everyday person you don’t who I am or the struggles I deal with but then again Clark Kent lived a double life and no one was none the wiser either.

Six short months ago I lost my daughter at 37 weeks gestation. I had a healthy pregnancy and had loved my glowy skin and growing bump. All my check ups, tests and scans showed a perfectly healthy little bub. So when you get to the point where you have completed the birthing classes, you’re on maternity leave and you’re down to your last few doctors appointments you kind of think your home free. My biggest concern was how we would announce our bub’s arrival and what its first outfit would be.

I spent a girly catch up day with my friend going for lunch and getting massages as we knew our days were number of uninterrupted gossip sessions before I popped. The day was relaxing and I felt great, I then spent the evening at the theatre with work friends watching a musical. Only then when I was sitting down and the music was pumping did I think mmm that’s weird normally you would be dancing and kicking me in there with this much noise. I dismissed it and went back to watching the show and eating my snacks.

It was only once I got home that night that I mentioned to my hubby before going to bed that I hadn’t felt the baby kick this afternoon and I thought that was strange. We both just thought that bub must be asleep and tried to go to bed ourselves. Middle of the night we were both tossing and turning not able to sleep worried that I hadn’t felt any movement. I got up and tried drinking some cold water, having a shower and walking around and nothing helped. We ended up ringing the hospital and going straight in to be monitored. The next 24 hours was a complete and utter blur, I was told I lost my baby. My baby who was full term was gone. I didn’t understand I didn’t get it and I sure as hell didn’t except it. Instead I kicked into this next gear. I have no explanation for it other than survival mode. My body did what it had to do to keep me breathing because given a choice I probably would have stopped.

You have in your head a picture of how you will deliver your child and how you will be told the sex of your baby. My perfect little dream world had it built up to be this big moment on delivery where the doctor smiles and congratulates you and tells you if you have a son or daughter. Instead I had waited 8 months to then be told over the phone that I had lost a daughter. I had come home from the hospital after finding out we had lost our baby. We were given time to go home and process what had happened and decide on how I wanted to deliver. Only then did we realise that we didn’t know if we had lost a boy or girl. Quickly calling the doctor back we were told that it was a girl and for me I saw this little life I had planned for my daughter flash before me. Headbands, tutus, baking, dancing and all the other girly things we would have spent countless hours on together. How is a person meant to recover or go on when something like this happens? It truly tests your inner strength to wake up and face every day.

Six months on and I have discovered that somehow I have developed super human strength and just like these fictional hero’s we love I have these amazing powers. I have a love for my child that is undeniably out of this world, where ever she is whether that’s in heaven, in the wind, in my heart or in every grain of sand there is no way that she couldn’t feel me and the love and hugs I send her every minute of every day. For her I have found a strength that only a mother can show and a woman can feel. It stems from carrying your child for their entire life, even if that is only for 37 weeks. To me that is pretty bad ass and has the making of a pretty amazing super hero.

This year it’s different, it’s the first Christmas we have had to spend without our baby girl. I had already planned out how this Christmas day was going to go with my bub being 11 months old, she would have been the perfect age for unwrapping presents and being more excited about the wrapping than the actual present. She would be doted over by the family as she is the first grandchild for my side and she would be able to enjoy all the yummy food but reality is this Christmas is going to be far from how I imagined it.

Instead this year for me it becomes another day I have to survive and just try and get through. The shine is slightly dulled on the Christmas cheer as I’m not feeling so joyful. This year my only Christmas wish is to hold my daughter just once more in my arms and kiss her little head, I would trade every Christmas just for that.

For this year I have planned 3 things that are all about remembering my baby.

Christmas decoration

Last Christmas while heavily pregnant and waddling around the shops I had decided that I wanted to start the tradition in our family of buying a special decoration each year for my kids to hang on the Christmas tree. My Mum did something similar for us and setting up the Christmas tree was always such an exciting night in our family and even up until I was about 17 we would all have a night where we would set the tree up all together as a family.

So although my baby girl isn’t here to celebrate Christmas as I had of wished she will still have two special ornaments on the tree, one from when I was pregnant with her last year and this year’s decoration.

Christmas stocking 

I bought a special Christmas stocking that I have had my daughter’s name embroidered on. It makes me smile to see it and it will now be a tradition to have the Laylah stocking hanging up near the tree every year and on Christmas morning it will be filled with hugs and kisses from Santa.

Kmart wishing tree

I plan to donate a Christmas present to the Kmart wishing tree, to make it more meaningful I plan to get a present for an 11 month old girl. Something that I think Laylah would have loved for Christmas and hopefully it will bring joy to another little munchkin and makes her smile of Christmas morning.

http://sandsaustralia.blogspot.com.au/

I’m afraid I have fallen prey to the striped uniform, if you look at my maternity wardrobe majority of it is stripes and what’s more is that they are all pretty much black and white. I have a striped look for all occasions and I’m good with that.

This optical illusion is one special trick to help mamma’s to look thinner than we perhaps are. I don’t know the exact science of why this is but I feel the horizontal lines highlight the curves I want to show off such as my belly and boobs while making everything else look a little less large. And for that I say bring on the stripy maternity wear.

I am constantly having issues with my pregnancy figure and my pregnancy second time round has only heightened these insecurities. Pregnant again after only five months after my first it’s safe to say that my body was far from pre pregnancy form.  My body has definitely ‘popped’ from what felt like the moment I found out I was expecting this time around. This has been a big battle for me because I feel huge at times and can’t help but compare myself to other expecting women. I have found that by having a versatile, stylish and comfortable maternity wardrobe it helps me to feel my best and embrace this exciting time. Stripes this time round have now become a staple of my wardrobe and I’m loving the variety available in maternity stores just now.

My favourite striped looks….

Special occasion- Soon maternity Leo Cap sleeve dress
http://www.soonmaternity.com/new-arrivals/leo-cap-sleeve-maternity-dress/w1/i1096274_1001196/

Weekend- Ripe maternity side tie maxi dress
http://www.ripematernity.com/maternity/maternity-dresses/side-tie-maxi-dress-dazzlingblueflint

Work- Ripe maternity Mia striped skirt with Soon maternity black Honor feeding tank and Skylar blazer
http://www.ripematernity.com/maternity/maternity-skirts/mia-stripe-skirt-greyscale
http://www.soonmaternity.com/skylerjacket_1003418/

Laylah tree

A couple of months after loosing Laylah we decided we wanted to get a flower or tree that was for Laylah. We wanted to have something we could look at and enjoy as a memory of our daughter. We spent an afternoon driving around looking at a number of different nurseries until we found the perfect one. A pink weeping cherry blossom tree, its girly, delicate and absolutely beautiful when in bloom. We got the plant in a nice big pot so that when we move into our new house next year we can take our special tree with us to her new home.

Over the last month or two we had started to get really worried because our Laylah tree hadn’t started flowering and we noticed other blossom trees had. Stressing that we killed it when potting it or not looking after it properly we were both devastated to think we had killed it. My amazing, gorgeous husband for the last two weeks has been checking on it every night and having his morning coffee outside while talking to the Laylah tree. This weekend gorgeous baby pink flowers have appeared and you can’t wipe the smile off my face when looking at it. Jonathan said Laylah just wanted us to be patient and to have some chats with her dad. #stubbornlittlegirl

Christmas decoration

Last Christmas while heavily pregnant and waddling around the shops I had decided that I wanted to start the tradition in our family of buying a special decoration each year for my kids to hang on the Christmas tree. My Mum did something similar for us and setting up the Christmas tree was always such an exciting night in our family and even up until I was about 17 we would all have a night where we would set the tree up all together as a family.

So although my baby girl isn’t here to celebrate Christmas as I had of wished she will still have two special ornaments on the tree this year and a stocking with her name on it filled with hugs and kisses from Santa.

Lamby

My Dad had given us this soft little toy lamb as a gift for the baby while I was pregnant. It was small and soft so I had packed it in my hospital bag for the bubba when she was born. When Laylah’s whirlwind birth happened we were so emotional and out of it that I didn’t really think of what I would need. I was so glad that I had lamby tucked away in the bag. Lamby stayed with Laylah while she was in the hospital, then when she was taken to have all her tests and then to the funeral home. I really thought I wanted Lamby to go with her to be cremated but Jonathan suggested we hold onto her to remember. I’m so thankful we did keep her. I feel like I have a piece of Laylah with me when I see the toy. On particularly tough days like when we scattered Laylah’s ashes, my first day back at work, a holiday or just any day I’m feeling down I hide lamby in my handbag and she helps me through the day. I love that Jonathan and I now have this silly but cute game of who can take the best pictures of lamby. Lamby studying, lamby at the movies, lamby on a horse and lamby at the beach. A tradition I hope we continue forever.

These are just some of the ways in which we remember our girl and I’m sure as the years go on we will come up with even more.

 15th October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day, parents and families across Australia honour their babies who passed away from miscarriage, stillbirth or postnatal causes.

Heartfelt

https://www.heartfelt.org.au/

Heartfelt is a volunteer organisation of professional photographers from all over Australia dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths, premature births, or have children with serious and terminal illnesses.   

SANDS

#Iamthatstatistic

http://www.stillbirthfoundation.org.au/i-am-that-statistic-interest/

Starting on Pregnancy Loss Day, October 15 2015, we will be breaking the silence on stillbirth and raising awareness to help shed light on a subject matter that is rarely talked about or discussed.

Many people think stillbirth simply won’t affect them. The reality is that stillbirth does not discriminate. In fact, it affects 6 families a day in Australia.

This year, we are going to show Australia and the world the names and faces behind the statistics.